What is God teaching you?
What are you going to do about it?
How can we help?
Let me confess something: I overthink a lot of things. On one occasion a friend offered a very confusing observation about me, that the number of questions pinballing around my skull would dwarf that of almost every person he knows. Notice the keyword, questions, not answers.
This makes me an above-average student in certain areas, and a really annoying friend for those in close proximity to me. That being said, another dear friend has given me one of the greatest compliments I have ever received when he proclaimed, “Get yourself an annoying friend like Matt.”
Like everyone else, I am frequently plagued by the fear of crossing unspoken social lines. Every now and then I am paralyzed by the potential of offending someone. And tragically, I must admit that I am oftentimes weighed down by the recognition that a tough question may glean a tough answer, and tough answers can be time-consuming and energy-draining. This means that a significant portion of the time, I cower selfishly and hide from the questions that I think need to be asked.
When we think about discipleship (following Jesus as co-learners and co-laborers), it is important for us to remember that asking questions may be the best way to love our brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as the watching world. One of our greatest stumbling blocks, however, is that most are reticent to answer the first question posed to us with transparency and honesty. For many reasons —previous relationships, incorrect views of God’s character, inability to process in the emotional deep-end, etc.— it can take an arsenal of intentional questions to pull out meaningful answers from others.
Your first question, upon reading this, might be why? Why ask difficult questions? Why pull someone to address things that they are not willingly offering before us? Why poke spots that might be sensitive? Why ask questions that may be looked upon as annoying in the first place?
Simple answer: because Jesus asked questions that were often perceived as annoying…and He did it out of love!
In John 3, Jesus has a discussion with Nicodemus, a powerful Pharisee, about salvation and eternal life. After confronting Nicodemus with some tough information, Jesus asks this high-status, learned man, “Are you the teacher of Israel and do not understand these things?” (John 3:10)
After a young Jesus has been found in the temple after a tumultuous couple of days, Jesus is confronted by Mary and Joseph, who question Him over His absence from the family caravan, He responds with another potentially annoying question: “Why were you searching for me?…Didn’t you know that I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49) Mind you, this was when Mary and Joseph’s frantic search for Jesus throughout Jerusalem concluded.
Jesus also asked:
“…Do you not perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember?” (Mark 8:17b-18)
“And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (Matt. 6:27)
“…Where is your faith?…” (Luke 8:22)
“…Do you say this of your own accord, or did others say it to you about me?” (John 18:34)
Jesus took the mantle that He held during His earthly ministry and then handed it to His people in Matthew 28:18-20. What He has done, we are to do, primarily focusing on the proclamation of His message. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is our news to share, and His methodology (as well as that of the apostles) had a special focus on question-asking. In order for most of us to look the truth in the eyes, we have to come to the conclusion on our own. Stating our misaligned views, emotional hang-ups, and hypocritical life practices is the quickest way to look our broken selves in the mirror. It is also a lot more difficult to get offended by someone else when you realize that no one backed you into a corner quicker than yourself.
In the last couple of years, I have had a framework introduced to me, so that I better know how to ask these questions. Much like jazz, it is helpful to have a loose structure and the capacity to improvise in the midst of deep conversations. That being said, it helps me to use three pillar questions as the foundation for other questions that I like to ask, especially when trying to get the ball rolling and minds thinking:
What is God teaching you?
What are you going to do about it?
How can we (or I) help?
Notice the gaps that can fall between each of these questions. Upon discovering these chasms, a loving friend can offer conversational lumber in order to help build a bridge of truth and logic. If someone does not have the capacity to answer the first question (perhaps they haven’t thought about what God is teaching them), I have the wiggle room to ask questions like, “Do you think there is a wedge that is keeping you from seeing what God is doing? What do you think could be getting in your way of seeing Him?”
If he or she does not know what to do with the information that God is presenting to them, I can prod by asking them to think of the first step they would suggest to someone in their shoes. If a friend says that God is teaching them patience, I could ask them to name a couple of scenarios that tend to test their patience, and why.
If someone does not know how I can help as they try to lean into the Holy Spirit’s lesson, I might ask them if I can follow up with them the next day, or what questions would be helpful to hear from me within the next week. It is not rocket science, it is consistent and thorough care.
Let me conclude by offering some hope to those whose inner dialogue may not sound like a fork in a garbage disposal, or may not have questions careening off his or her’s amygdala like loose gravel in a soda can. In order to be a good friend that asks good questions, it does not start with a script or a notes app brimming over with concurrent spiritual questions. To become a good (albeit potentially annoying) friend requires love and intentionality. Jesus was an amazing rabbi because He went where others would not. He is the only Savior because He alone placed Himself in positions without hiding from the potential negative response. He is good because He wants us to see Him as He is, and be transformed by the renewing of our minds. You can join Him in His mission as easily as my toddler can jolt “why” to every explanation I offer.
Do not be afraid to be a good friend because you might fail when you are invited into the deeper, more difficult spaces. Enter with humility, prayer, and the sober recognition that you too need an annoying friend as much as the next person!